Why is it so easy for us to say “No”, but so hard for us to say “Yes”? Biologically, one could say it’s because “no” is one of the first things we are taught as an infant. It’s one of the very first words that ever come out of our mouths because we heard it so often as we developed. This much is true, and it could be the reason why we find it hard to say yes, but I think a huge reason why it’s hard to say yes sometimes is because “yes” takes time to think about. Sometimes when uncertainty arises, and a situation orders an answer out of you, you may not have an answer yet and need to discern between your wants and your needs…two entirely separate things. Sometimes “no” is just a place setting for a “yes” to come later.
I love my wife, very much. She loves me too. Things have happened in our marriage, very bad things that would make any one person capable of hating me, or her, or both of us. Rarely is there a person showing up that doesn’t care and loves us both. Equally we are at fault. A biased person would definitely think that either I’m trying to cover for myself, or cover for her. I’m telling you there is an equal amount of hate coming from my family to hers, and hers to mine. We created a stinking Romeo and Juliet scenario.
Anyways, we realized a lot that trying to be together, just never worked. Our relationship was so on again off again, it was like every time one of us left the other, it was like a giant hammer chiseling the skull, and crushing more and more fragments. The thing is I’m not blaming her or myself. She had the nail, but I gave her the hammer, so to speak. Likewise, I had the nail and she gave me the hammer for herself.
Before I can ever even think about getting back together with her, two things need to happen. Both of us need to heal. Get the rest of those broken shards of bone off the ground, super glue them, or do whatever needs to be done to get both our skulls back in perfect condition. Then, here’s a really important one, we have to throw away our nail and hammers. Now the skull, obviously is our mentality. The nail and hammer, however is a endless assortment of torture. Think about all the different types of abuse, and just use those as examples for now.
It’s not as easy as it sounds to just throw out a nail and hammer. In fact when it comes right down to it, it almost seems impossible. It might be the only way you’ve known to live. Maybe it’s not just abuse maybe it paranoia, which leads to assumptions, which leads to disbelief, which then leads to anger and ultimately abuse. It’s like we threw away those hammer and nails, but we went out before the garbage man showed up, and got them back inside for some last minute carpentering. We need to throw those things in a pit of lava and change dramatically or the same thing will happen over and over again.
Life is a dilemma when you cannot do anything rationally nice for the other person when it comes to love.
Both sides may partially be a fault, but in the end, if someone has a problem, and a diagnosed problem at that, and chooses not to seek help and fix that problem, then chances are it will be impossible to ever hold a stable relationship with that person.
Not only that, but you need to realize that eventually you get to a point where enough is enough. I’m not saying you should never forgive, because obviously forgiving is a good thing, but even if you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean it’s still acceptable or appropriate to continue a relationship with that person. For most people one breakup is enough, but several? Eventually you just need to let go and move on.
Dear Andy,
Surely I have a plethora of diagnosed problems, but I’ve already been on all sorts of medications for them. Believe me, I’m a better person without those medications. I was in therapy/counseling all of my life. I was worse back then, much worse. Much much much worse. You think what I did was bad now? You should have known me back then.
Also, Andy, love is love. It’s not for you to decide what love is. Love is an irrational concept. Deal with it. If you don’t like it, take your snide comments elsewhere, kthx.
Sincerely,
a very pregnant and hormonal cat
Also, David, keep in mind that I only left you once. You left me the other times, so you are the one that needs to rethink your issues a little bit. I’m fucked up right now. Terribly fucked up. So bipolar it isn’t even funny. It’s the holidays, and i can’t even spend them with you. Why? Cause your family hates me, that’s why. I hate the holidays now because they’re not spent with you. The closer it gets to christmas and new years, the more depressed I get, and the more pissed off i get at the world.